Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Raw Honest Truth

Ever feel like her?

I don’t scream. I mean I am not even sure I have the right equipment TO scream. I have never been one to scream. I cannot even remember screaming…ever…Yell? Oh sure! That’s a different story and it’s a must for all soccer goalies & big sisters  But lately…

I feel like I could scream and scream and scream and keep on going until I pass out. Why? Well, as much as I recognize how blessed that we are there are still some things that just nag at me and will not go away.

We decided to start trying for children over a year ago now. Now, before I get a bazillion responses saying “Is that ALL,” or “It takes time,” or some version of “In God’s time,” I need to say that…I know all of that and have heard ALL of that, a lot. But all of those things do not remove the frustration and hurt of hoping for a child only for it not to happen ….again. It hurts. Some days I dread even checking my Facebook to see who is announcing that they are pregnant again or seeing baby pictures or family pictures or or or or it goes on and on. Other days I’m good. Some days I want to avoid Wal-Mart like the plague (ok ALL days are good days to avoid Wal-Mart). It seems like every aisle has an expectant mommy-to-be shopping for something. Don’t hate me. I’m just being raw-ly honest. No need to pull out those dictionaries! I KNOW that “raw-ly” isn’t a word however; the beautiful thing about writing your own blog is that occasionally you can make up your own words and that is completely ok!

I have gone round and round about a masters program in Biblical Counseling for Y-E-A-R-S. It has just been since my husband has entered the picture that I received the loving nudge that I needed to jump in and do it. Or at least I TRIED to do it and it didn’t work out. And here I sit embarrassed by the small debt I caused my family and disappointed that the one thing that I feared most about trying a masters program, failing, happened.

Because of some poor choices by people claiming to do the “right thing,” we are now starting over…again. I lived in the same place, the same town, same house for the first 25 years of my life and in the past 5 I have not stopped moving and changing. Can I be honest? I am sick of it! I want to stay put. I am tired of starting over with friends, learning new routes and places to shop, finding a church, etc. I am tired of job hunting and hoping and praying that they liked me enough to hire me for who knows how long until we move…again.

Ok, vent and whine done. I suppose that I should have warned you…

On the flip side, we have been listening to The Shack on CD for some of our long drives recently. I started reading it but lost interest or time or both, I really can’t remember now. Like it or not, the author makes some very good points and has challenged my thinking in a few ways. I think I will write more about that tomorrow or even later today! As for right now, I need to wrap up the journal I have been working on to accompany the ladies Bible study that starts this Saturday.


Paul said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Naw..... don't feel much better either.

Kee said...

First, I love your honesty. When I started my personal blog that was a promise I made that I would be honest, good, bad and the ugly.

I'm with you, I know people mean well but sometimes it's better to say nothing at all or just give you a hug and let you know they are there to listen.
I am sorry for all that you are going through. We did not try for a year, but I was told at an early age that I would never be able to have children. So I pretended I didn't want children anyway. Somehow, I thought if I denied it that the pain would go away. It didn't it was just hidden from others.

I don't know how you feel after trying for a year but I do know the pain of thinking you may never have what your heart wants most of all.

You will be in my prayers, I know people say that all the time but I truly mean I will lift you up in prayer.

Sarah said...

Heidi, not sure you remember me, but i go to NCF church on a sporadic basis :-)
Anyway I wanted to touch on the trying to have a baby part of this post.
I had to try for my Faith for 5 years. I lost 2 babies. Endured over a year of painful fertility treatments. And was finally blessed with her just over 3 years ago.
So i guess my point is i totally "get it". You have every right to want to scream. I learned a lot along the way and still struggle now with trying to have a sibling for her. As much you are happy for others that are pregnant or have babies, it just stings when your own heart is yearning for a child. I've found the best way to deal with it is to avoid the things that hurt, no you can't avoid them forever but you can for a day, or a few hours to let your heart heal. My prayers often focus on helping me find healing for my heart and patience for my emotions. When the time comes you will see how much more you are blessed because you had to work for it and wait for it. Remember to have Faith, and Hebrews 11:1. Having Faith that God has a plan for you and Paul will help you get through this hard part waiting. And even though you don't "know" me, I will be praying for you both!